Mother Daughter Group #2 (out of order)

October 29, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Mother Daughter Group |1 Comment

We had our second Mother Daughter Group last night and it was really fantastic.  I was a bit worried that Hurricane Sandy was going to pre-empt our event, but I was pleasantly surprised that not only did Sandy  not interfere with our plans, but she also cancelled school for today so our evening was more relaxed and no one had to rush home to make lunches, do homework and get the girls to  bed.  (Then again, I do believe that I am probably the one that gets most anxious about Sunday  night events to which my friends will attest, but that is another post altogether).

Last night’s event took place at my house.  We had planned a Halloween gathering with costumes, crafts and spooky food.

The girls and  moms arrived in costumes with a great deal energy, carrying bags and platters and treats.  We began the evening in the basement with a craft I had found online from Martha Stewart.  I first had to explain to the girls who Martha is, and then proceeded to inform them that I am in no way, shape or form anywhere  similar to the insanely compulsive Queen of the Craft (although, I may beg to differ about the creator of the sweets pictured above).

Other than the glitter all over my basement for the next 6 years, and the gold speckled toilet that the girls decided to adorn while washing their hands, the sparkle pumpkins were a huge success.

Our next move was dinner.  I had grown tired of cardboard box pizza, so I whipped up some pasta and garlic bread while others contributed salad and sides.  The girls laughed and chatted away in the kitchen while the moms gathered in my dining room. At one point, the moms were laughing so hard that we were blatantly hushed by the girls.  I gather we are bonding quite well, but are not supposed to out-fun our 6th grade daughters.

After dinner we retreated back into the basement and gathered for some discussion.  Our jumping off point was to explain to the girls that traditional religious Jewish people don’t celebrate Halloween  (read here  for more information about the religious basis for depriving sheltering some religious Jewish kids from abundant Reeses and Three Musketeer Bars). We reminded the girls that had gone to Jewish pre-schools that they weren’t allowed to dress up for Halloween in pre-school, nor was there any mention of Halloween in the pre-school craft curriculum.

We then bridged the discussion to how the girls feel in December being the only (which they all seem to be) Jewish student in their secular school classes.  There was a lively discussion about what it is like to be unique or different amongst your classmates.  It was wonderful to see the girls sharing and participating where the month before their discussion had been a bit more guarded.  They all seemed engaged and interested in sharing and hearing what others had to say.

Dessert was next and then we finished up with one more craft.  The girls had all brought a black and white photo of themselves and proceeded to create these fun projects:

As they left and I did a bit of clean up (the glitter-mess still awaits me in the basement), I felt so  proud of the whole evening.  Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and have a nice time.  As the girls gathered up their costume remains and crafts, I heard them talking about what our plans will be for next month.  The sign of success!

What is the norm? (out of order)

Posted: September 24, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Here at the House of Laurie Levine LCSW, (also known as The Nut House), I am having a conundrum that doesn’t seem to have an easy answer. Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, which is the holiest day of the year for Jewish people all over the world is this Wednesday.  This being followed by Rosh Hashanah, the  Jewish New Year, last Monday.  Where I grew up in Boston, there isn’t (and wasn’t)  school on the Jewish High Holidays  nor is there school in many areas of   New York, New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania.

My kids have always taken the day off from school for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and worshipped and celebrated with the family.  Last week when one of my kids was in synagogue, he missed important things in school and fell a bit behind.   With his heavy academic load and increased extra-curriculae activities (read: sports) (also missed on the Jewish holidays) there is little time to lollygag and  spend time on extra homework due to missing school for religious reasons. Enter the conundrum: do I send this Jewish kid to school on Yom Kippur?

These thoughts bring to mind how all families struggle with merging their personal, cultural and familial beliefs with that of the “popular” outlook in our society.  How do we respect what is important to us as a family and try to instill it into our kids while also integrating them (and us) into the world in which we live?  This extends beyond culture and religion, many of us have personal morals and values that are different from those our neighbors.  Plenty of moms have had to put their Merrell wearing foot down  to high heels, hair dye and shorts riding up to the dark side when their child’s classmates are strutting it like Lady Gaga around the 5th grade halls. A player on my son’s soccer team doesn’t play on Sunday mornings so that their family can attend church.  I am sure that can’t be easy for him (especially because he is  goalie and they need him ), but I respect their desire to keep what is a priority for them sacred in spite of the soccer commissioner’s game scheduling duties.

I often think about the Muslim families in our community who work and play amongst us while keeping close to their traditions.   I have seen many young Muslim girls wearing a hijab  in our local high schools.  I have watched, with great respect,  these same girls playing sports in a hijab and altered uniforms to protect their modesty.  We have had two Muslim nannies for our children who have kindly made them  lunch and dinner during Ramadan while I was at work. (Yom Kippur is also a fasting day. We’ve got nothing to kvetch about when we think about our Muslim neighbors who fast daily for a month. I digress.)

I have worked with many families from other countries and helped them  try to integrate their cultural norms into those of our American society.  The hardest thing I have had to address was that of corporal punishment.  In many countries, spanking and beatings are the norm when disciplining children.  I have had to explain to angry parents where English is their second language that corporal punishment is not tolerated in our society;   Social Services can and will be called to their homes if their are bruises on their children.

I have also worked with families from other cultures that emphasize grades, particularly A‘s and only A‘s, so much so that their children have developed anxiety disorders.   Be it that these parents want better for their children than they had, or they come from a society where the A’s were beaten out of them also, it can cause great stress for their children.  I try to educate these parents about balance and joy; reminding them that their child’s health and well-being can be paramount to their success.  Having said that, I appreciate the disconnect.  These parents have been raised to believe that A’s (or corporal punishment) is the norm and the way to raise their children, who am I to alter that?

Back to my conundrum.  My matzah  balls for tonight’s meal are cooling on the stove.  We clearly are embracing our tradition and will be observing Yom Kippur tomorrow.  As for that one kid who may or may not go to school, I guess the  jury is still out.

For those of you that will be observing Yom Kippur, I wish you an easy fast and a Happy New Year.

Laurie

Therapists Abuzz (out of order)

September 24, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Uncategorized | 6 Comments

I spent the morning at Einstein Bagels in Fairfax.  Had you come to the back of the restaurant, you would have seen the nook that we have begun to call our home on the last Monday of every month.  “We” are a group of therapists who meet to network, consult and generally shmooze over coffee and a bagel.  We are an informal branch of a wonderful group, DC Therapist Moms created by Jennifer Kogan, whose vision was to have a network of women who are raising children and building therapy practices.  Jen has done an amazing job in connecting us to one another. So amazing, in fact, that we formed our own little coffee klatsch on this side of the river.

I never know who will be there when I cross the border from Reston/Herndon all the way over to Fairfax, but I have never been disappointed.  Sometimes it is a handful of therapists; psychologists, social workers, marriage therapists and even psychiatrists have joined our midst.  One time it was just three of us and it afforded us the opportunity to have an intimate discussion about some particularly difficult cases.  Today there were ten therapists from the ranks of a sports psychologist, someone who focuses on chronic pain, an infertility specialist and some trauma workers.  There were also several couples therapists, women’s counselors, adolescent and adoption specialists and a mom of five returning to the work force.

We often start as a group, do introductions, and then for those who were late (I am telling you that road to Fairfax is LONG) do re-introductions.  A discussion always evolves from the introductions, often it is someone who is new to private practice (these women talked me off the ledge held my  hand when I was about to open my practice back in May) who is asking questions and trying to figure out how to make it all happen.  Today we were made aware that one of us is doing some good clinical work on her bike while someone else may have shared a therapeutic tip on the golf course.  We therapists are adaptable, if nothing else.

A big topic of discussion is technology.  There might be a therapist or two at our table that grew up in the 70’s and learned to use a typewriter rather than a keyboard.  We “mature” therapists are eager to learn from the young whippersnappers in the group about how to incorporate Facebook, Twitter or any of the newest and shiniest gadgets or websites into our practice.  (Note to self, someone mentioned Big Tent, must check it out and see if it will work for our group).

By the end of the meeting the ten of us had broken into three or four different conversations.  On my left, I was discussing raising teenagers while on my right, I was engaged with two young therapists who had toddlers at home! Across from me, I was eavesdropping on a conversation about how we can post information to each other, thus the Big Tent reminder and on the other end of the table there were two intense conversations that I missed altogether.

And, as usual, there are laughs.  How could a lively group of women sit around a table without a good belly laugh to remind us that it is this connection and sharing that keeps us going?

Mother Daughter Group (out of order)

Posted: September 28, 2012 | Author: laurielevinelcsw | Filed under: Mother Daughter Group |2 Comments

Sometime last February, I learned of increased drama in my daughter’s 5th grade class. Girls were being left out, feelings were being hurt and self-confidence was plummeting. Although expected  in the pre-teen and teen world, it is still painful to witness. Around that time, a mom from the class posted a picture of her  daughter on Facebook. The comment accompanying the photo stated that her very feminine daughter was  hesitant to wear the skirt from the photo to school because she feared that her peers would make fun of her. I showed my daughter the picture and asked her what she thought. She said that the skirt was “really pretty” and she would “never” make fun of this classmate for wearing the skirt to school. I proceeded to share this with the mom and what ensued, with another mom pitching in, was how our daughters’ are not feeling comfortable or confident in their own skin.

About the same time I had joined the DCTherapistmoms group. I was privy to a wealth of information from the members about their practices, therapeutic interventions and resources around the DC area. I posted on the listserve requesting ideas for boosting girls’ self-esteem; I was particularly asking for books, but open to anything.

I received lovely feedback from Karen Schachter. Karen is therapist who specializes in working with girls, healthy body image and food issues, and has been a great resource for me.  We spoke one afternoon and I voraciously took notes on all that she had to offer. Karen shared ways that she works with this population, workshops she had led and ways to approach both my daughter, her peers and their parents. (A disclosure: most of my clinical work is with older adolescents and not this age group, but truth be told, no matter how old the child is, when it  lives in MY house, I am a floundering mom and always seek advice and support from those that are NOT me). Speaking to Karen was incredibly helpful and I am so grateful for her time and expertise. Karen also planted a seed in my head about a group for mothers and their daughters.

A month or so later, I began googling “Mother Daughter Groups”. I found The Mother Daughter Project , became engrossed in the website and within minutes had ordered the book. Their story reads:

In 1997, a group of mothers of young girls… gathered to address the challenges of mothering adolescent daughters in today’s world. … We were determined to come up with a plan that would enable our girls to thrive through adolescence, that would help us to remain close and connected with them, and that would support us as mothers and as women. The Mother Daughter Project Website

The book is based on these women’s experiences of their group with their daughters.  It  discusses adolescent development, aspects of their specific group and provides a guide to starting a group of your own.

I approached the mom’s at our synagogue whose daughters are part of my daughter’s Hebrew School class and piqued their interest about forming a Mother Daughter Group. These girls do not attend secular school together, they are not in each other’s cliques nor are they caught up in the drama of the every day minutiae at school. The model suggested getting away from the school friends and I found this to be a fitting population from which to form our group. These girls only see one another twice a week for a few hours. I also thought that we could incorporate Judaism into the group, which is absent for these girls in their public school environments.

Twice during the summer the interested moms gathered over coffee to plan our group. I only knew a few of them prior to our first meeting, but already am building bonds and nurturing friendships with these women. We made introductions, talked about our daughters and our goals for the group. We also planned out several of the first few monthly meetings.

Last Sunday night we had our first meeting. Eight moms and their daughters met at one person’s home. We gathered in their beautiful living room with just the right lighting and ambience for this special group of women and daughters to begin their journey. The sixteen of us sat in a circle, some on cushy sofas, some on the floor, two girls huddled together on an ottoman and the group came alive.

We began by playing a name game.  A few moms then presented our vision of the group to the girls. We talked about rules, respect and confidentiality. We asked the girls if they had suggestions and they eagerly offered up ideas from having participated in Girls Scouts, Girls on the Run or at camps. We suggested they think about a name for their group while we enjoyed a dinner of pizza and potluck appetizers. The girls were seated at a table in a room separate from the moms. We heard  laughter and chatter coming from the other room; fun and connection  was in the works.

Next on the agenda was for the girls to make cupcakes. The controlling person that I am wanted to assist the process. My new mom friends gently pulled me  out of the kitchen  to allow the  girls to work it out themselves. And, they did. They made great cupcakes and had some time to let loose in the basement. When it was time to go, they had decided on a name for their group: The Girly Gangsters and posed for a group picture true to their name.

Mother Daughter Group Revisited

8/28/2013

6 Comments

Last fall I wrote these two posts about our Mother Daughter group (here and here). After some honest discussion with the other moms, I decided to stop writing about our specific group. As wonderful as it is, we wanted to keep it private and safe for the girls to grow and share openly. The thought was that if they knew I was blogging about it, even though I keep it strictly anonymous, there may be some hesitation about sharing. I wholeheartedly agreed, so have stopped writing about the particulars of our monthly group meetings.

Throughout the year, we have evolved into a cohesive and connected group. We met monthly, rotating between peoples' homes although a few times we met in other venues such as Rebounders, a restaurant or a sports pavilion. The host mom and daughter would plan a craft or a game as well as a potluck meal and lead discussion topics that the group had suggested the previous month. Discussions have included gossip, bullying, boy-girl relationships and appropriate clothing choices. The girls were initially very shy, but have become so comfortable that they are leading discussions and opening up with much ease.

We met again last week culminating our first year together. The weather was beautiful, we met at a neighborhood pool and the day was just perfect. The girls initially went in the pool while the moms chatted around a table. When they got hungry, the girls gravitated towards the snacks at the table adjacent to the moms. Before we realized it, the girls had pulled up chairs and we were all gathered around the table sharing stories of summer trips and camp.

Later that evening one of the moms sent a group email reflecting on how nice the day had been and how she noticed that the girls had pulled their chairs up to our table, something that would not have happened even a few months ago. We were operating as a unified group; moms and daughters as a unit. One mom was helping my daughter with make-up advice, something that is fairly foreign to me while another girl shared how she allocated her allowance for her back-to-school purchases. It was so special to witness how close the girls and moms have become over the last twelve months.

I have been thinking about offering a group of this nature for moms and daughters through my practice. Many moms in my community have commented on how wonderful our group is and how helpful it would be for them and their daughters. This group would be structured a bit differently as I would be the facilitator and not a mom. It would be in my office and have some differences to the one that I have been writing about; I see a great deal of potential having it in such a setting with the ability to grow very strong bonds and do meaningful work as has been done in our group in a less formal setting.

I am asking you readers for your thoughts. Would this be something that you and your daughter might be interested in? Would you be willing to commit to a monthly and/or twice a month meeting which would include some, yet to be decided, fee? Would you be open to this fabulous experience for not only your daughters, but for you as well (the relationships that we have formed as moms have become as important to me as have the relationships between the girls)?

Please do chime in as it will help me to decide if the interest is out there for this type of group. I have invested time and energy into other groups that have not taken flight, so trust that your feedback is very important. Thanks for your thoughts.

Laurie

The Sitter Search

8/13/2013

4 Comments

I am at IT again. I have been doing this for eighteen years and IT is never easy. What is IT you ask? IT is the eternal search for a responsible adult that can care for your children while you are at work.

Early on it was the MOST stressful part of my parenting experience other than my kids getting sick, which, you can ask my friends, we had plenty of (how many nebulizers can one family own?) I agonized each time over leaving my infants with anyone other than me. The first baby, particularly, was difficult. We were new parents, learning how to do this thing called 'parenting'; three short months later, maternity leave was over and someone had to watch this baby.

In the midst of the exhaustion and shock of having this newborn, new daddy and I got to seek daycare. There were fancy agencies to find you the best nanny (for hundreds of dollars to register), you could risk taking out an ad in the newspaper and pray for Mary Poppins, or you could get on a waiting list at a day care center. The internet was not yet at our fingertips, thus no Craig's List, Sitter City or any other form of www.

For some reason, once we finally hired someone they were short-termers. I want to believe that it was because I was part-time and that was a harder niche to fill (rather than my kids were bratty). Remember the show Murphy Brown with Candice Bergen where each episode she had a new secretary? That was the story of our day care - we went through about twelve babysitters in half as many years. I wish I could tell you how many times I called my husband after walking in the house on a Thursday evening to say "she quit again".

Then we found M. M saved us; not only did she love my kids, but she added stability to our somewhat chaotic home, the best being when she got fed up with my linen closet she would re-fold all the towels. M worked for us for six years and raised my youngest (we often wonder who my youngest is really asking for when she calls "mommy"). M is part of our family, so much so that when she announced her pregnancy, my husband said "we are going to be grandparents", and her three year old now proudly calls me "Gramma Yorie".

I wish I could say that after M left us for a full-time job that our headaches were gone. Sure, as my kids got older, the fear of leaving them became less. They could speak and keep me abreast of what was going on at home while I was busily seeing clients. But, I still had to find someone that was responsible, kind and was a careful driver (I long since gave up on laundry or linen closet maintenance).

I found myself today paying, again, for Sitter City. Luckily, I have already had a phone interview with a college student looking for some after-school work. Can I trust her, will the kids like her, will she be able to find the dance studio where kid #3 spends most of her time?

I think of all the new moms embarking on this journey that I have travelled so many times. I can feel their anxiety and fears in my stomach as my own; for I have been there and know their struggle. I have had many clients in this spot and have been grateful that I could fully empathize with them.

For anyone that is on the quest for the right day care, particularly as the school year starts, please know that I GET IT. Your fears, your tears and your worries are valid and normal; I would be happy to share them with you if you need, feel free to contact me.

The Calm before the Storm

8/6/2013

3 Comments

I was able to leisurely take a wog (walk/jog) this morning before work since offspring are enjoying their favorite time of the year at sleep-away camp. As I huffed and puffed along the quiet streets of Fairfax County in early August, I realized that this stillness is short lived. The vacationers are gone, the office is quiet and I haven't cooked a meal in weeks!

There are hints that IT is coming; the weather had a moment of coolness, soccer and dance registration are here and we just had no-tax weekend (I always feel that it is TOO early to hit up the school supplies aisle in early August, but clearly, I am in the minority here).

As I revel in this peace, I am aware that it will end with a bang (literally when the kids land in the garage with pounds of dirty laundry) and do wish the transition was more gradual. I go from moments of boredom when my house is too quiet and actually clean to practice/orthodontists/carpools etc.

So, my dear readers, enjoy the tranquility, the long days with sunlit evenings and LACK OF HOMEWORK. Good things are upon us although they involve alarm clocks and packing lunches; sometimes it is nice to take a moment and enjoy what is right here in front of us.

Just another weekend at the Hamptons

7/25/2013

84 Comments

My mom went to visit my brother and his family at their summer home in Westhampton, New York this past weekend. (No fears, this is not going to be the first issue of "what I did during my summer vacation"). As my mom informed me, East Hampton is where the "movie people are" about an hour away from my brother's home.

My mom (aka Grammy) enjoyed the beautiful beach on the west side until Sunday afternoon. My five-year-old niece had been invited to a birthday party of one of her little friends whose daddy happens to be a movie actor that we have all seen. My brother's whole family, Grammy included, piled into the family SUV and drove to the site of the East Hampton birthday party.

As they arrived, said father (the actor) of the birthday girl was heading to the store to pick up some more wine; following a warm greeting he told my family to go on in to the party. There were several families already in attendance , some no-names and several other actors that we would all recognize. Grammy reported that it was a simple home; the kids were all playing in the backyard while the adults snacked on prepared salads and chicken from the local grocer. It wasn't over the top or crazy fancy, it was the kind of party any of us would have in our own backyard. She also noted that everyone, actresses included, were dressed in shorts and tee shirts, bare faced and pony tails without any red carpet make-up or gowns.

While my brother and his wife ran after their kids, Grammy mingled with some of the other adults. She watched one actor argue with his six-year-old over what to eat; apparently he didn't like the chicken nor did he hesitate to make his opinion known. She then found herself joined in conversation with that actor and another actress (a beautiful woman that we have all seen). They were discussing that they used the same contractor for their homes in California and had many mutual friends. Grammy just took it all in. The actress mentioned that her mother, also a well-known actress, was performing this summer and that was taking time away from her spending time with the grandchildren. The irony didn’t escape Grammy; these famous people were kvetching (whining) over the same things that we mere mortals all vent about on a daily basis. Life, kids, parents, work, contractors; we ALL do it, rich and famous too.

As Grammy reminded me, we all put our pants on one foot at a time (some may be slipping into $350 size 0 pants, nevertheless it is still one foot at a time). We often gawk at celebrities and romanticize their glamorous lives, and yet they are human too. We hear about their publicized addictions, divorces and arrests, but they also have every day joys and troubles just like all of us.

My son just had to hear the story first hand from his grandmother so he picked up the phone to get the scoop. As they were saying their good-byes, I heard him say to Grammy "Keep partying with the famous people"; not a sentence I ever expected to hear from his mouth to her ears

Pure Joy

7/15/2013

3 Comments

I have been a voyeur on the camp photos and videos where my kids are spending the summer. Ok, not really a voyeur since the camp is putting it out for all of us parents to see, but it feels a little voyeuristic. The camp does a fabulous job at portraying the daily happenings of the kids; there are photos, slideshows and videos.

The thing about these sightings is that everyone is smiling. Either there is excellent editing, or these kids are just happy! I keep thinking about when the kids see a camera; they gather together arm and arm and smile because that is what one does when they see a camera. So, is it really all that fun, or is it the view of the camera?

The videos are showing more unposed fun. There are the moments when the kids stop and scream "WE LOVE CAMP" as if they have been prompted (honestly, I don't think they have), but for me the best moments are when the camera is just filming life.

A special moment at this camp is Shabbat (the Sabbath). The camp has religious services, a special meal and increased music on Shabbat. I just watched one of the Shabbat videos and could feel the joy emanating from the kids and adults. There is a traditional banging on the tables during some songs and, as my kids have reported to me, the song leaders jump from table to table with their guitars. (I was relieved when my daughter guaranteed that the kids scrub the tables extra hard after this table jumping event). I saw little girls spontaneously breaking into dancing circles in the middle of the dining room while their bunk mates ran over to join the dance. This wasn't posed, this was fun and ruach (Hebrew for spirit).

Then the therapist in me takes over. Not every kid is happy every single moment; of course not. There is homesickness, bunk drama, kids being excluded and overtired campers and staff. There are bad meals, rainy days and even some boring 'learning' time, as I have been told. I am reminded again and again, without some down moments, how could any of us ever truly appreciate pure joy? I am not sure we would experience it as wholly if we didn't have a yucky day with which to compare it.

At camp though, my gut says that the joy outweighs the yuck. Weeks of sleepovers, constant play dates, cool counselors instead of naggy parents telling you to take a shower. Sports, music, dance and craziness instead of school and homework. Camp has an unfair advantage over the rest of life, how could it not? One very long vacation.

Camp is truly my kids' favorite place in the world. It's not that they don't love their parents and enjoy family time, I know they do, it's just that camp offers a joy, a pure joy that I have yet to see replicated in any other form.

A little Hello

7/10/2013

8 Comments

It's been a little quiet over here in blog-land. I've started a few posts and they sit waiting in my cue for the final editing etc. My posts tend to go better when they fly off my fingers onto the screen. I know then that I have something important to say. Not that the ones awaiting perfection aren't important, sometimes the words just flow easier (remember, a writer, I am not).

I have nothing to say, but I get anxious when a random site emails me and says "we've missed your blogs". Why? I don't know - a job for my own inner anxiety reducer.

I had a lovely vacation over July 4th and plunged back in to heavy client days only to have a little reprieve for hump day today before more busy-ness for the end of the week. Summer is tricky for the solo therapist, it is actually tricky for most businesses unless you rent boats or manage camps.

Vacations, camps, well-behaved children who don't have homework, happier families due to less stressful daily life; the need for therapy is down. Honestly, that makes me happy, other than the need to pay my bills. I like that people can find their joy; I like that people are free from worries and feel lighter; I like that people are less troubled and distressed during these lazy summer months.

May you find some joy be it on the beach, at an air conditioned summer movie or just lounging around with no homework, tests or frenzied weeks. We know they are all around the corner, and when the crazy hits, I am here if you need me