Balance

9/14/2012

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Balance - it's a tricky one.

Now that the kids are back in school and all the sports, dance and other extra-curricula activities are starting up as well as Back to School Nights, Parents This and Parents That Meetings, how do we find balance? It feels like either feast or famine in our busy lives; the quiet, sometimes boring, calm of summer plunging into this frenzy of 'we don't know who is coming or going' (I mean that literally, sometimes I need a spread sheet to figure out which family member is where at any given time). One of my clients told me that she was in the car chauffeuring kids from 3:00-7:30 on Wed. night (I happened to be doing the same thing at almost the same hours on that same night).

I’m smiling as I return to this post started a week ago and wondering, again, about balance. Where has mine been? (Has it really taken over a week to write a blog post?) My equilibrium was certainly out of whack Monday morning when I squeezed in a workout only to rush off to the grocery store (sweaty, of course) and then plunge into cooking, cleaning, laundry and preparing meals for Tuesday so I could get to my office that afternoon to see my clients. The craze of the Monday was intended to make the Tuesday run more smoothly? Is that balance? I think not.

I find balance when I make realistic plans for the allotted time and not try to cram everything into one small window. I also know that I find balance when I pause to take some time for me, be it a walk on these beautiful Fall mornings or meeting a friend for coffee to talk, listen and laugh. I find when I have recharged myself, I have more patience and energy for my family and my clients, or to do the mundane household chores that are always waiting for me.

I work with many women, like myself, who are trying to balance their personal, professional and familial obligations. My clients have shared that they don’t feel like they give enough time or attention to any area of their lives. One mom is always late to our appointments; she is rushing her kids to school, making work calls on the road and trying to get to therapy. She bursts into my office and wants to ‘hurry up’ and get calm. Those are the moments when I start therapy with a deep breath. My client needs to slow down and be present for her session. I model in the therapy hour what we need to do in our busy lives: slow down and be mindful of the moment that we are in.

It is good to also model this mindfulness for our children. I have seen many a teenager (and adult, present company included) sit in front of the tv with a laptop while texting on a cell phone. Multi-talented we are, but are we balanced and present in the moment? What happens if we were to unplug? Last summer when we lost our power we lit candles, played games and laughed the old-fashioned way, without Youtube prompts. I remember a time at my old job where I was surrounded by therapists. One afternoon the internet was down. There were several of us gathered in a colleague’s office laughing, sharing and spending time with one another. We commented on the fact that it took losing the internet to actually converse with one another.

Balance includes being present, slowing down and unplugging once in a while. It involves planning, prioritizing and sometimes saying "No" to a volunteer request or a neighborhood gathering. It might even mean saying "No" to your child who is asking for the fifth sleepover in six days in between practices, play-dates and birthday parties. Balance doesn't have to mean boring; if it eliminates some stress and adds some quality family time, or really good girlfriend time, less can absolutely be more

Sibling Love

9/10/2012

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Do your kids get along? I say this as my three are gathered around the laptop working on a Power Point presentation for the oldest son's English class. The middle is performing the technical support and they are all contributing, laughing and looking at old pictures and videos to contribute to this "About Me" project. (As they are giggling, middle says to oldest "how about "taunting your siblings" for one of the slides?". There goes my post.)

It is not always like this, but I captured a moment where things are working. There are many days where there is yelling, and crying. We have been fortunate enough to not have a lot of hitting and physical altercations, but we have had a healthy share of conflict.

A friend shared an article on FB the other day about spankings. She and I had a conversation about it; neither of us have ever spanked our kids, nor have most of the people I know. I was wondering if one of the reasons that my kids use verbal attacks on each other rather than their fists is because resolving conflict via physical means is just something that they haven't witnessed.

I think about when my kids were younger, or the many families that I work with who have pre-school and elementary school aged kids and how much more fighting there is amongst the siblings. These younger kids are all less mature both within themselves and in their relationships. The self-centered nature that is age appropriate of younger kids and the inability to have empathy or take on the perspective of others is the great contributor to the grabbing of toys, hitting and occasional biting that happens in pre-school classrooms or basement play rooms.

As our kids get older and master higher levels of development, they are learning about empathy and compassion. They can see that a lonely child at school or someone that may have been bullied is feeling sad. The hope is that we have taught them to reach out to their sad peer and offer some support or a smile. Can they be empathetic with their siblings? We certainly hope so and offer many opportunities on a daily basis to exercise that muscle.

Sibling love is often evident when the kids join forces to gang up against their parents. Teenagers are quick to bond together over insulting their parents' anxieties, insecurities or fashion choices. As long as it is in good fun, sometimes it can be a nice bonding moment for the kids, and in my house, it can be quite comical. It can, though, cross a line and then feelings get hurt. Parents have feelings too and should never be emotionally beat up at the expense of their kids "joking".

Teenage siblings, despite competition and battling over the bathroom, can be friends. I know a family where the two boys who are 22 months apart would run around the playground often having fun, but sometimes about to pummel one another. They are now 18 and 16 and the closest of friends. They share a lot of the same interests which has enabled them to have many mutual friends, shared socializing and a wonderful and close brotherly relationship.

Sadly, that is not always the case. I worked with a family where the girls were two grades apart. The older one, a senior in high school, felt like her younger sister was the 'favored' child because she was a good student, a good athlete and that 'perfect' kid. Her sister, a sophomore in high school, felt that her parents favored her sister because her sister was having trouble socially and would stay home and spend time with their parents. She envied the time they all spent together while she was out socializing with her friends. The girls had a bitter rivalry and the parents were at a loss as to how to properly parent them. Over time, in family therapy, the family was able to identify and work on each girls' specific needs trying to build a more amicable relationship between the sisters.

Whether your kids are younger, older, fighting or playing, siblings are siblings. It is a unique relationship and one to be cherished. If you feel that your kids are unable to call a truce every once in a while for some heartfelt giggles or you are truly concerned about the level of competition or animosity between your them, give me a call, I'd be happy to hear you out

Back To School

8/31/2012

6 Comments

Who hasn't seen this? Years later, it still makes me giggle. I just had my son watch it and I said "isn't it funny?" to which he grunted and then I realized "oh yeh, you're the kid".

Many of you will be packing lunches and putting your kids on the bus on Tuesday, and some of you have already begun the early mornings and homework routine. Whatever the case, going back to school is a transition, a transition that brings excitement, fear and for some debilitating anxiety. Little kids can find the first days of school to be exciting; new shoes, new backpacks and warm nurturing teachers. Older kids who have already been face to face with hours of homework and years of exams are far less excited, I have heard the word "dread" more than once from teens referring to going back to school.

How do loving parents temper their anxious students during the first days of school? I have worked with several teenagers who have literally refused to go to school due to anxiety. They experience test anxiety, social phobias and miss so many days that they have truancy charges. It can be a complicated dynamic between the parent who wants to comfort and protect her child and the child who feeds into this compassion. The parent finds it harder and harder to enforce the rules and insist that the child go to school, subsequently the child's anxiety about school increases because she has missed so many days. One parent I worked with walked her high schooler into the guidance office daily, the very understanding guidance counselor then walked the student to class and helped ease her into the classroom. It was difficult for all involved, but eventually, the student became more comfortable with attending school.

I worked with another girl who literally missed two years of school due to medical ailments rooting from school anxiety. She did homebound schooling and online classes and after a great deal of therapy is planning to begin an alternative school program next week. The verdict is still out, I shall keep you posted.

I remember last year on the first day of school at the bus stop an adorable rising kindergartner was hysterical as the rest of the kids boarded the big yellow bus. There was nothing his mom could do to get him on the bus. She calmly, yet firmly, drove him to school and was assisted by experienced staff to get him into his classroom. This was a success story and he ended up having an excellent year. I heard a story from my friend last week who said that her anxious elementary school child got on the bus without a hitch "I think what has helped our first day of school "success" is that I've just given up on making it "special". It just increases the anxiety too much. No coddling or talking about it too much. It's just matter of fact...eat your breakfast, change your clothes, brush your teeth, off you go! No pictures, no fanfare. Do you know how hard it is for someone like me who would love to decorate our sidewalk, make a really special breakfast, and take pictures with the First Day of School sign on our front porch?"

I applaud this mom (and so many insightful moms) for doing what is best for her child despite her vision of a different kind of send off.

Whether you are sending your kids to school next week or are already a week or two in to the groove, I wish you a fun and safe Labor Day Weekend and a smooth transition next week

Launch Group

8/29/2012

5 Comments

I am excited to share about a really nice group experience that took place in my office this summer. I offered a group for parents who were launching their kids to college. The premise was to discuss and process the infinite emotions of letting go of the child that you have raised in your home for the past eighteen years and sending him or her towards independence, advanced education and out of your daily sight.

Two women and I met on Tuesday nights for five weeks. We had a visitor for one session, but for the rest of the time it was Mom A, Mom B and myself. Each of the moms have one child (one has a boy and one has a girl). The boy is studying at a large state school and the girl went off to a small private school; nevertheless, each mom had similar fears, reactions and hopes for their children.

At the first meeting, I asked what their biggest concerns were regarding sending their only children off to college. Mom A had been imagining this moment since her baby was born; she was anticipating his leaving before he reached high school and had been a puddle of tears during his entire senior year. Mom B stated that she was worried about whether her daughter was "prepared" for college; would she be okay, could she handle the situations thrown at her, would she be able to cope independent of her parents.

After confirming that Mom B's daughter was in fact quite competent and capable, I questioned Mom B about this fear she had. As we dissected it further, I wondered out loud if maybe Mom B was hyper focusing on her daughter's level of preparedness because it was easier than being in her own grief, loss and sadness. She listened thoughtfully and shook her head in agreement. As the women gathered their belongings after the first session, they both expressed that they were feeling a "lightness" as they left the room; they seemed to have dumped great deal of their heaviness and angst right there on my red Ikea throw rug.

Over the next four weeks, it was a joy to watch these woman bond over this extremely emotional experience. There were tears, anxiety and a great deal of laughter. Mom B shared that she and Dad B were planning to take an extra night as a "getaway" after the college drop-off as a buffer to entering their, now childless, home. We thought that was such a great idea that Mom A jumped on board and booked a "getaway" for her husband and herself. Mom A clued in Mom B about the Bed Bath and Beyond ordering and shipping process which was a great factoid for the procrastinating shopper B daughter.

Week 4 was especially noteworthy as Mom A had just dropped of her son. She shared pictures, stories and her pride about holding her tears off at the good-bye, only to be hit with the heaviness the following morning. As Mom B walked in to Week 5, she announced that she was now "part of the club". She was able to tell us about the "roller coaster" of emotions during their drop off and how she was planning for her day off the next day to let herself "just be sad".

At the conclusion of our last group I thanked the women for participating with such rawness and honesty. I asked for feedback from them and they reiterated that they both felt lighter every time they had come to group. They appreciated having the support of the group, being allowed to emote openly and learning that they were not alone in their grief.

I am honored to have been able to help these women through this very emotional time. I reminded them both that they had done their work; it was normal to be sad, but they had processed their feelings and could allow themselves to be in the moment. I praised them for investing their time and energy into the group and having the courage to get some help and be honest with one another. I honestly think that they are each going to be stronger women and better mothers for taking this time for themselves and working through this difficult life transition.

Taking Your Child to Therapy

8/26/2012

4 Comments

I recently received a comment from someone who gave me lovely feedback about this blog, and made a request about a future post. I've been thinking about her request and trying to see how to best answer her question:

"I'd love to read a blog post about how parents of kids in therapy attend to their own emotional needs as individuals and as a couple. I've noticed how stressed we both get when our child is having a tough time and I'm sure we're not the only ones."

The first thing to address is how stressful it is leading up to getting your child into therapy no matter how old he is. You realize that your child is struggling and wonder "is this every-day kid stuff or is it something more concerning?" Once you make the decision that you think your child would benefit from therapy you have to find that "right" therapist which can also feel overwhelming; do you go through insurance, who do you ask about referrals (pediatricians are a good resource) and how do you find the right fit for your child?

The appointment is finally made and you are feeling positive about your choice in therapist. You then have to convince explain to your child that he is going to talk to someone who is going to help him feel better. It gets more difficult once your child who is not only in denial that there is a problem, is also quite convinced that she will not be having any involvement in the solution to this so-called "problem". My advice is that you are understanding, supportive and firm. You let your child know that you understand that this can be scary, uncomfortable and/or weird (teenagers are all about the "weird"), but this is what you have decided as an adult is best for your child. I would also normalize the situation by informing your child that all kids struggle with issues and many kids go to therapy and find it to be very helpful.

All therapists operate under the bounds of confidentiality. It will depend on the individual therapist and the age of the child as to how confidentiality will be handled for you and your family. My motto is that "what is said in the therapy room stays in the therapy room". In our first session I tell all parents and children that I will not share what is discussed in the therapy session. If I learn that the client (child or adult) is in danger, then I will break confidentiality, this includes harm to self or harm to others. I let the child know that if I am concerned about their safety that I will discuss it with them first, let them know that I am worried and together we discuss how to tell their parents about the situation.

Now that your child is safely ensconced in the care of a competent therapist, it is your turn to fall apart. As my reader asked, how do parents attend to their own emotional needs, both "individual and as a couple" and deal with the stress when the child has a hard time. As parents, a normal response is to self-blame: "what could I have done differently?", "it's all my fault?" or blame your partner: "he should have...", "she didn't..." Neither is helpful; it is natural to go there, but for your sanity and your child's well-being, try to avoid the blame game.

It can be excruciating to see your child struggling. You want to protect your baby (no matter how old they are) and stop the pain. Often times the best medicine for your child is tough love and that can be the hardest thing to dole out. He is afraid to sleep alone, but you have to enforce it for his own well-being. She has been refusing to go to school due to anxiety and what she needs most is your loving push to get on that bus. You are a wreck, your partner disagrees and it feels like the entire family is about to be washed up in chaos.

I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself. As hard as it may be, if you are not sleeping or doing the things you need to do for yourself, you are no good for your child. For your child to heal, she needs you to be at your best. She needs to look to you for strength when she feels overwhelmed with life. Sometimes you have to fake it and that is really hard. Talk to a friend, get support from your community, your extended family and your partner. It isn't easy, but it is essential.

The other really hard, yet extremely important piece is for you and your partner to be on the same page with the issue at hand. You need to present a united front. Your child knows how to manipulate and split mommy and daddy; that will undermine all of the adults involved. If you and your partner aren't in agreement, it is okay to tell your child that mommy and daddy are going to talk about (your punishment, your bed time etc.) and get back to you. You don't have to decide on the spot; it is better to take a time-out than to argue in front of your child.

Sometimes you, your partner, or both of you may need your own therapy to help get through this difficult time. Your child's therapist may be willing to meet with you on occasion to discuss parenting issues, but if you are really struggling personally or as a couple, you may want to seek out a therapist of your own. There is no shame in getting some help for yourself (see above where we convinced informed your child that it was a healthy and acceptable decision to seek treatment); it may be one of the kindest gestures you have offered yourself in a long while.

I know this post was long, I could go on for days, I do hope it was helpful. I thank my reader for the prompt. As always, if you have more questions please contact me

Divorce and the Kids who live it

8/22/2012

12 Comments

Earlier this year the husband of a dear friend of mine asked her for a divorce. When she told me, I was devastated for her and her girls. We are family friends, our daughters are very close and it was very painful to watch their family embark upon this difficult journey. I remember the day that my friend was telling her kids about the divorce. I was sick to my stomach. I was keenly aware of the moment that these beautiful young girls' lives were going to change forever. Nearly six months later, I can honestly say that they are doing well. It hasn't been easy, but the girls are thriving, seem to be happy and are adjusting to their new normal.

I have worked with many many families treading the various paths of divorce. There are many phases to this process and they are often played out in the therapy sessions: the couple is thinking about divorce or one party of a couple wants the divorce, they separate but remain in the same home, one moves out, they tell the kids, sometimes there are re-marriages, step-parents, new babies etc. There is no one way to do divorce; each family is unique in their process and yet, so very similar all in the same breath.

I worked with an 8th grader several years ago whose parents got divorced when she was three. She had recently had her Bat Mitzvah and shortly afterwards became depressed, withdrawn and began therapy with me. One of the things that she was most sad about was taking the family photographs during her Bat Mitzvah. She was torn and saddened by the fact that she didn't have a "family" picture of her nuclear family. By this time there was a step-mother and step-siblings and my client was grieving the loss of her notion of the ideal family.

I met with a sixteen year old girl just this week who has lived with her dad for years and had visitation with her mom. She is currently reassessing her living situation, thinking about spending more time at her mom's, but isn't sure what will be best. In between her tears she said "I wish they would just decide and tell me where to go, so I don't have to make the decision". She feels pressure to please both parents and is struggling to figure how to find her voice and do what is best for her. I listened, watched her wipe her tears and tried to empower her to be true to herself and her needs and not feel that she has to continue to take care of the adults, but learn to take care of herself.

I am glad that I can be there for these kids, my clients. It is always beneficial for children and adolescents to have an adult separate from their parents with whom they can talk and share on an intimate level. Often a teacher, another relative , a sports coach or a therapist are the adults that kids go to to unload their feelings and concerns. For kids in divorced families, it is even more essential that they have unbiased adults who can listen. They need an adult to be able to confide in, someone they feel is not on mom's or dad's side, an adult who they don't have to protect or censor their feelings from and someone that can hear them without any hidden agendas like custody issues or personal wounds.

Kids are resilient. Divorce can be complicated and difficult, and yet with good support and parents putting the kids' needs before their own hurt and resentment, their children can thrive socially, emotionally and academically

"That Kid"

8/10/2012

2 Comments

Aly Raisman, Gaby Douglas, Missy Franklin....
I watched them and so many more young, strong athletes from countries all over the world in the Olympics during these past two weeks. These teenage athletes have been perfecting their sport for years: practice, sacrifices, stress and pressure all leading up to their moment of glory at the Olympic Games.

Whether these teen athletes are going home with a medal or simply the thrill of participating in the Olympics, they were part of a handful of athletes that make it that far. The hundreds of thousands of athletes in high schools today may not all be Olympic caliber, but many of them certainly contribute their own share of sweat, commitment and sacrifice to their particular sport. They also experience incredible pressures from a myriad of sources be it coaches, parents, teachers and/or peers.

This past year I have worked with many teenage athletes seeking therapy. A teenage lacrosse player with panic attacks, an anxious softball player experimenting with drugs and alcohol and an anxious field hockey player whose grades are slipping.

Recently, a parent of a new client was describing his daughter to me. She played varsity soccer as a freshman, finished her freshman year with a 3.9 GPA and has many friends and an intact family. He said “she's 'That Kid'.” I had the privilege of meeting "That Kid" at our first therapy session shortly after that initial phone call inquiry. She is beautiful, polite, kind and sad, very sad. She said she doesn't know who her friends are, feels a tremendous amount of pressure to perform on the field and feels very lonely.

All of "Those Kids" experience a lot of pressure. They are usually adorable, kind, smart and talented. Teachers and coaches all love them. All of my athlete clients have shared similar stories; pressure to make the team happy, fear of letting down the coach, needing to keep their grades up and make their parents happy.

One of the most common things I have heard from "That Kid" is that they feel that they can't be good enough; they feel so much pressure that even when they are the star player on the team, they struggle to see their strengths. I have heard these athletes tell me after a great game that they are afraid that they won't be able to do it again and will disappoint the coach and the team. They rarely ride on their successes and instead stress over what they perceive to be their inevitable failure.

In therapy we work on building self-confidence, relaxation techniques and reality testing. "How will you know when you are successful?" "What has to happen for you to know that you are good enough?"
A great book that I have been using with these clients is "The Anxiety Workbook for Teens" . It educates the teens about anxiety, what it is and how they can learn to function without this constant underlying angst.

If nothing else, the message that I want these teenagers to hear is that life doesn't have to be this hard, painful or anxiety ridden and that it will get better. I want them to be able to reach for some hope, to understand that although the world can feel overwhelming right now, there is a light on the other side.

If you know a teen that is struggling either with athletic pressures or anxiety, please share that message with them: things can get better and life just shouldn't have to be this difficult.

As always, I am open to help. You think any of those Gold Medalists need one of my cards? :)

Family: Can't live Without Them, Can't Shoot Them

7/28/2012

7 Comments

How many of us are packing our swimsuits, stuffing our cars and traveling hours in traffic to meet up at some get-away destination with our extended families? It may be an annual summer event or a big family reunion that happens every decade or so. Whatever the case we all have them, a family that is.

Our families can provide us with laughter and memories that only a family can appreciate. Sharing your history, watching each other’s children grow and reminiscing about that time that Uncle Frank crashed the motorboat can not be replaced.

There is also a sense of anxiety when we gather with our families. Old wounds and resentments that can be hard to forgive, siblings that have grown apart or in-laws that once introduced into the clan can make for challenging relationships. Again, who hasn’t these common experiences? My grandmother used to say “family is like fish, after four days they start to stink”.

How do we negotiate these ambivalent feelings? Can we find a way to enjoy this one week off we have all summer family vacation despite the anxiety and aggravation of so-called family?

As a family therapist, I have worked with many people struggling with these issues. One of my biggest suggestions is to have clear boundaries. A boundary is an imaginary wall surrounding you. There are those who have trouble respecting that wall, they crash through, push you into a corner and are unable to hear what it is that you are saying. For example, your third cousin who doesn’t have children wants to take your kids to a midnight movie the day before you are scheduled to go on an (already paid for) excursion. This is when your boundaries need to be strong. You gently say, “No thank you, my kids need their rest. I know they would love spend time with you, maybe we could do an afternoon movie on a different day.” Many people struggle with setting this boundary. They don’t want to offend the generous offer of the cousin, everyone knows what a blast it will be, but you know your kids best and you know they will be a wreck for the excursion the next day.

I also recommend to my clients that they make sure they take some time for themselves. Go on a walk, read a book, sit by the lake; whatever works in your world, but make sure you carve out time for you amidst the meals, chaos and well, family.

Family is great. Who knows you better and loves you warts and all? Being aware of some of the pitfalls can make for a much more fun and calming vacation. Enjoy! Have fun, and don't forget the sunscreen

Depression and Suicide

7/20/2012

19 Comments

I have been asked to help my synagogue with a program that educates teenagers about depression and suicide. I met with the Religious School Director, a professional from Jewish Social Services of Northern Virginia and another volunteer mental health worker to learn about the program. The curriculum has been written by an outside agency; our task is to be trained and discuss how we want to present it to the teenagers that attend our religious school. The structure is such that we will meet one evening during religious school for 90 minutes with the teenagers (9th-12th grades) and their parents. Two of us will meet with the parents and two with the teens.

I found the curriculum to be interesting, thought provoking and important. I noted that during our training discussion, there was concern as to whether some of the material was too harsh, or would the parents be taken aback. The other mental health provider and I were adamant that these serious and scary subjects need to be addressed, there was to be no beating around the bush. It made sense that those more involved with the politics of both the synagogue and the community would be sensitive to the tone of the the program, a.k.a. complaining calls and emails about such touchy subject material.

We have to be candid with these kids. We want it to be safe for them to talk about times that they feel sad, anxious, depressed or even suicidal. There is a lot of pressure for teens to be happy and perky. I have many clients tell me that they "fake" it around their friends and at school because they don't want people to know that they are really sad and struggling inside. I hope we can create a space where the teens can not only gather some information, but also realize that they are not alone with these "taboo" feelings. I hope that they will be able to reach out to either their peers or the adults and share what may be on their hearts.

The curriculum includes handouts, written material and a DVD. The DVD has three vignettes of teens acting: a girl that has broken up with her boyfriend who is feeling hopeless, a boy stressed about grades and college and feels life isn't worth living and a boy that is being bullied in school. Interspersed with the somewhat "cheesy" dramatizations are real life people sharing their stories which are powerful and emotional (compensating for, in my opinion, the "cheese" factor of the dramatizations). One boy talks about jumping out of a window and both his physical and emotional recovery. A girl talks about her struggle with her parents divorce, drug addiction and a suicide attempt and how she has pulled her life together and now feels very hopeful. The story that was most difficult to watch was that of a girl's family and friends following her death from suicide. The friends talked repeatedly about missing the warning signs, ignoring her cries for help and not doing enough to help her.
The program has a strong focus on what to do if a friend shares that s/he is feeling hopeless or suicidal and requests that you not tell anyone. I have had many of my teenage clients share this exact predicament with me in their therapy sessions. Their initial concern is that they want to be a loyal friend. I emphasize the importance of safety with these teenage clients. I inform them that being a loyal friend is telling a trusted adult like their parent, teacher or guidance counselor to keep their friend safe. I tell my clients that it is better to have their friend mad at them and alive than have their friend die.

The parent group will be separate from their sons and daughters. The teens are more apt to open up if they are not with their parents. The parents will also view the DVD and be instructed on warning signs of teen depression and suicide. I hope to create a dialogue with the parents around issues such as supporting their teens, when it is necessary to get professional help and also helping them tap into their own feelings of depression, anxiety or other mental health concerns.

This is a troubling and scary issue, one that we don't want to have to think about, and yet we must. I am including some links if you want to read more about this issue, and as always, I am here to help

The Power of Connection

7/15/2012

16 Comments

I had a wonderful connecting weekend. A dear friend who moved out of state came to visit and we created our own girls' weekend with two other local friends. The original plan had been to meet in the middle of our two states, but logistics didn't allow for that, so we created our own resort right here at home.

The first night consisted of cocktails and hor dourves in the resort's flowing gardens my kitchen, followed by a fantastic Indian meal in, none other than, downtown Herndon. We then gathered back at the resort, aka my living room for silly silly talk and dessert. When I am with these women, I laugh until my stomach hurts, again and again. We finally rolled into bed (grown up sleepover) at about 1:00 am.

Saturday morning we walked to our local farm market, bought peaches, yogurt and scones and enjoyed breakfast on Lake Anne. We later found ourselves in Arlington sitting outside at a cute little Mexican place amongst the 20-something pierced and tattoo-ed crowd. We held our own as 40-something moms toasting our margaritas and enjoying our time together. This meal involved some heavy talk; ailing parents, finances and parenting our own children. We were completely comfortable sharing our most private thoughts and concerns amongst the safety of our group. We have built a strong trust amongst ourselves as we have weathered many collective life challenges and celebrations to include one difficult pregnancy and subsequent wonderful birth, two adoptions, a scary childhood mental health issue and a tragic death of a parent as well as four Bar Mitzvahs, countless birthday parties and the first of many high school graduations. This is who we are and what we do; we connect, we laugh and we cry together.

I work with many women who enjoy close connecting friendships, but I have worked with many who struggle with loneliness and isolation. Some of these women do have close friends, but are uncomfortable with showing vulnerability so holdback in the friendship. I try to help them become comfortable with their insecurities and realize that by sharing with a close friend, not only do their insecurities lose much of their power because the friend is accepting, loving and validating, but also the friendship reaches a richer understanding and closeness.

Other women find that they don't have good female companions. They may be new in the area, are prone to isolating or just lack a comfort level necessary to seek out a friendship. With those clients I try to help them to identify what it is that keeps them solitary and what would help them to ease into a close and mutual friendship. Many times it can be as simple as reaching out to a neighbor, asking a co-worker to lunch or joining a group at one's synagogue or church. Many women find that they can make friends via their children's schools with other parents. Often, what seems simple to one woman can be an anxiety filled ordeal for others. "How do I reach out?", "What if they don't like me?", "They already have friends, why would they want to spend time with me?" In therapy we gently examine these fears and explore what it is about one's emotional core that encourages such self-doubt. This can be scary and overwhelming, like most big issues in therapy, but the end result can be the birth of an amazing experience: a true friend, someone with whom you can laugh, cry and share, one of the true gems in life.

Our day ended with a much needed trip to DSW and TJ Maxx to be silly and help to boost the local economy.

My hope for you is to celebrate your friendships for they are truly a gift. If you are one of the many that are seeking a close and wonderful relationship with a friend, but aren't sure how to start, give me a call, I would love to help get you on your way